Anger is not a condition but merely a symptom masking a deeper issue.
Nawar Jarakji - 8812727
Case Study 3 – John’s Case (John is a borrowed name and for teaching purposes only)
02/07/2024
Client’s situation:
John is a football practice mate; he is having problems controlling his anger with his wife at home. This has led to explosive outbursts of anger – and he is afraid it might lead to abuse. It is also affecting his quality of work. He came to me to help him manage and control his powerful feelings.
Mentor’s Feedback:
Wow John, it seems you have been under a lot of pressure lately, many new events happening in your life, some seems to be actually positive, such as your promotion, although you said it’s more work and no pay raise, it’s still something you worked hard for, isn’t it? So, is it safe to assume it is a positive milestone? Great! Second, you said you have been snappy at your wife, responding in hate and anger? What seems to be causing those resentment feelings? Oh you feel like she’s the enemy? How is she the enemy if you may explain further? She’s bossing you around, ehm, what else? She’s always yelling... anything else? Ok, so I am understanding that your anger is being triggered by the way she’s talking to you or behaving? Is that correct? Can you remember recent times where she was supportive and nurturing? (he said many things). Oh wow, she even prepares your work clothes in the morning. That seems wonderful! Is it safe to assume you discounted all the positives when you said she’s the enemy? (What do you mean) I mean enemies do not do all those things to their rivals, do they? Haha, they don’t, surely! So, let’s engage ourselves in an exercise called the Cognitive Conceptualization Chart, which is meant to uncover your core beliefs relating to a certain situation or problem. Yes, it sounds complicated, but it is simple and follows a train of thoughts, shall we begin?
Situation / problem: talking to my wife
Automatic thoughts: We will fight, there will be a disaster, she’s the enemy, she’s always attacking me, she’s being unreasonable… I swear to God I will slap her across the face!
Meaning: We will break up, she will go tell her family, and even worst MY DAD, she will think I am an abuser (I AM NOT, I SWEAR), she will think I am useless, she will suffer, and I won’t be able to help her…
Dig Deeper: I don’t want / I can’t lose her, she’s everything to me
Associated emotions: Anger, frustration, feelings of helplessness, loneliness, no one I can share this with
Physiological or behavioural responses: passive aggressivity, temper, blocking her, insulting her, screaming, walking away…
Compensatory responses: procrastinating: gaming, calling my brother, social media scrolling, go to the gym
Intermediate beliefs: I am better off alone, I am hurting her either way, her dad is so loving compared to how I treat her
Core beliefs: I will fail in this relationship / I will lose my children / I am worthless and inadequate / my life accounts for nothing / as a child I accounted for nothing.
Alternate and more positive core beliefs: my wife is my treasure, and I love her so much, I am educated and successful at my job, our disagreements are arming me with information to better myself, I have controlled my reactions so far and I never hit her.
So, John, how do you feel now compared to when we started the session? 1-10? I would say I was livid when I arrived 9/10. Now I feel like I can breathe, as if there’s actually a solution, I feel 3/10.
OK, so next time you speak with Angela, envision the end of the conversation, you need to remember that she is not the enemy, right? And she’s trying to help, that’s all she’s doing. You will focus on understanding, listening, being the bigger person, gaining her trust and respect. And if she says things that will trigger you, what will you do? I will remember she’s great to me most of the times, and that she’s not the enemy, but my friend…
Wonderful! See you next week, John!
