Overcoming anxieties require self-discipline, patience and changing our thought pattners.
Nawar Jarakji - 8812727
Case Study 1 – Roger’s Case (Roger is a borrowed name and for teaching purposes only)
31/03/2023
Client’s statement:
Roger says, “I’m at my wits’ end because of my wife’s attitude to money. Although I earn a high salary, we have accrued large debts. This is mainly because Jess is a self-confessed ‘shopaholic’ and flatly refuses to curb her spending to reduce the family debts. She says she can’t. But I don’t believe that. She can’t resist buying, even though we don’t need any of the things she buys. I’m sure she does it deliberately to get at me. I don’t think she loves me anymore. If she did, she wouldn’t behave like this, would she? She doesn’t realize that she’s depriving me and the children. Surely if I were a better husband, she wouldn’t do this. I’ve tried, I really have, but we end up rowing and to keep the peace I give in and run into more debt. I’ve suggested she get a job, but she says she wants to be with the children. I think it’s that she wants to go to the shops or browse umpteen catalogues. I think the only option is to get a divorce. I mean, I’m not eating properly, and my sleep is disturbed and my work! – Well, it’s difficult to concentrate.
Mentor’s Response:
Roger, the situation you are going through is not easy on anyone. I understand financial pressures can have overwhelming consequences especially on a family man with kids. First, let’s take into consideration that the cause of this entire situation may be Money anxiety, I mean who of us do not have that, right? (Laughter). Second, let’s assume that your wife is suffering from the same anxiety disorder, in her case it’s even worse, being dependent on you financially, she is not being productive, and she seems to really want to stay home and raise the kids. Her way of venting this anxiety is to shop, and in your case it’s increased stress, less proper sleeping, and more financial pressure. What we want to establish during those couple of sessions is to release this pressure and find adequate solutions for you to cope better with the situation. Allow me to ask: Did your wife ever tell you she doesn’t love you or the kids, or that she doesn’t care about your financial situation? Is she a good housewife in general, a good mother? And you worry about your family and coming here today shows that you are a great husband and father, don’t you think?
Let’s try together to divide this issue into 2 parts, the first part will be money anxiety, and the second part will be your relationship with your wife. First, pls allow me to ask you a couple of questions which you will answer with agree or disagree, it’s a simple form called DAS, where we will measure vulnerability, approval, perfectionism, control over emotions, among other attributes. Ok. Now let’s take home a simple exercise, it’s called the ABC model, where you will sit in a quiet place, and divide the paper into 3 sections: First, you will write down the Activating event or the reason you came here: “Wife’s unjustified spending”. Second, the consequences faced: for instance, stress, emotional pressure inside the marriage, financial burden, etc. Third section, write down every thought and believe that it led to those consequences, such as: My wife can’t stop spending money on things we don’t need, and then write down the evaluations of those thoughts, for instance: if my wife can’t stop spending money, it means she doesn’t love me anymore, and she doesn’t care about me and my children. Does it sound simple? Do you have any questions before we proceed? Great!
During our next session, we will engage in a very interesting exercise called DRDT: where we will note down those underlying beliefs and thoughts and try to look for alternate explanations: for example, if your wife cannot control her spending maybe because she is facing a compulsive problem herself, and she might be a victim of a mental disorder. After considering alternate thoughts, we will apply the downward arrow technique, which will also help us solve problems and find better outcomes to disruptive and negative thoughts. Lastly, we will do another DAS form and compare results from the first DAS we had at the beginning of the session.
This way, we would have noted down most of the pressing matters causing your anxiety, found alternative justifications for your wife’s actions, and worked towards releasing pressure away from your marriage by working on the money anxiety issue. By having another outlook into things, maybe your behavior towards your wife’s spending will change, you will not see her as getting back at you, on the contrary, she’s a loving devoted mother, but she is also suffering. And if you listen to her and act like a gentleman, her behavior might change, and both of you will be working on your relationship in a deeper and more understanding way, and the kids will benefit as well seeing their parents happy and getting along.
